Dreams (16 weeks)

 

My sweet Sophia girl,

A few days ago I had my first good dream about you since you left me, 16 weeks ago. 

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The first week after you passed away I had many dreams about you, but they were all scary and sad and made me wake up feeling terrified and depressed.  I’m so glad those dreams only lasted for a week or so, but since then I’ve been asking God to give me a dream of you.  You see there are only a finite amount of photographs and videos of you, and I’ve seen them all several times.  I wanted to see you again, in a different way, and for just one night be able to interact with you and hold you.  I used to pray every night that God would let me dream of you that night, but no dreams came.  Then, for the past month or so I stopped praying that prayer.

Two nights ago, I was praying like I always do before I go to sleep, and the prayer for a dream of you came up again.  I asked God that He would let me see you, and then I feel asleep.  Well, baby, He finally answered my prayer!

I dreamed that daddy and I were at the Homecoming for my college, Furman University.  I was walking around with daddy showing him all the beautiful things on the campus and taking him to all my old familiar places.  Then, a car of some of my old friends pulled up near us.  The friends opened the passenger side door and when I looked inside, there you were lying on the floor!  At that point in my dream you looked exactly like you did right after you passed away, when we took all the tubes out of you.  I knew right away it was you, but I was so confused why you were in their car. 

The friends started talking to daddy and me, but I just yelled at them to get out of the car and give me my baby!  When I picked you up you had a stiff board underneath you, and at first it was hard to hold you.  I kept saying “but I thought she was dead” and the friends told me that you hadn’t died, that you were just very close to dying, and the doctors hadn’t wanted me to see you actually pass away.  I told them I didn’t care if I saw you die,  that I just wanted to be able to spend as much time as I could with you!

At that point in my dream, your face changed a little and the board that had been underneath you was gone.  Your cleft lip was gone, and your beautiful eyes were open and looking right at me.  I was able to hold you close to me and snuggle you to my chest—something I was never able to do while you were alive.  I started walking around the campus of the school showing you to everyone who was there.  In my dream many different people who had prayed for you began showing up.   Friends from high school and college, all who had written to me and prayed for us during my pregnancy and during your short life, were in my dream coming over to see you.  I kept saying “this is my daughter Sophia, isn’t she so beautiful?”  In my dream I felt that proud mama feeling that only comes when you introduce your new child to the world.  Unfortunately, I was only able to do that twice while you were alive, and it felt so good to show you to so many more in my dream.

Sophia, baby, it was such a wonderful dream.  While I was dreaming it, it was so vivid, and I felt right there in the moment.  When I woke up the next morning I didn’t remember it right away though.  It wasn’t until about an hour after being awake that the memories of the dream came flooding back to me, and I relived them with a huge smile on my face. 

I’m so thankful that we were able to be together again, even if it was only for a few minutes, and only in a dream.  Still, God answered my prayer and I thank Him for it!

That dream made me think about all the other dreams I had for your life, that never came true.  Sophia I always had dreams for you to be healthy and grow up happy and in the Lord.  I had dreams that you would be my little mini-me and we would be able to sing together and play together and fall onto the floor together laughing.  I had dreams of taking you to the beach and sinking our painted toenails into the warm sand together.  I had dreams of taking you to school for the first time and dreams of one day watching you graduate.  I had dreams of seeing you become a woman of God and loving those around you.  And I had a dream of one day being able to hold your babies—my grandbabies—and tell them all about you when you were growing up.

My heart breaks knowing none of those dreams will ever come true.  And even though I know we have an eternity of memories in Heaven to make, that doesn’t take the pain from losing our memories here on Earth.

I love you, and will never stop waiting for you in my dreams, little Super Girl.

Xoxo,

Mommy

Comments

  1. I just wanted to say god bless u and your loving family and that your baby girl is smiling down from heaven watching her mommy and daddy she loves you guys very much shes saying please dont be sad mommy uou will one day see me again and we will be together for ever god bless u

  2. God bless u sophia

  3. May all your dreams be as beautiful as your beautiful baby Girl & May The Good & Gracious Lord give you all dreams of your precious baby… Thank you for sharing

  4. My heart aches with you that all of your dreams for your sweet girl will remain dreams and not the beautiful reality that you were expecting. I feel the same… There are so many dreams and plans I looked forward to in life with Evangeline and now I don’t even know how to look forward to things, since I know plans and dreams don’t always work out. I’m so happy that Sophia visited you in your dreams and that you were able to hold and show off your beautiful girl. Sending you love <3 – Robyn

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