My dearest Sophia,
A few days ago was Thanksgiving—our first Thanksgiving here in Taiwan. Unfortunately we weren’t able to have a big traditional dinner, but that wasn’t what bothered me the most. The hardest part was, of course, the fact that you weren’t here with us.
Each day I think about what things would have been like if you were still alive, but on holidays the pain seems to cut a little deeper.
It would have been so easy to sink back into the black hole of grief and just stay there for awhile. It would have been so natural to start feeling sorry for myself again and it would have been nothing to just turn my anger towards God.
But instead I tried to think of all the things I had to be thankful for.
I chose to dwell on my blessings instead of my losses.
I’m thankful for you, my little dumpling. I’m thankful that God let me be your mommy for 47 days, and that for each of those 47 days I got to see you and pour out my love for you.
I’m thankful for your daddy. Sophia, he is such a wonderful, strong man. It breaks my heart that you weren’t able to really get to know him. He loved you so much, and he has been so good to mommy.
I’m thankful for all of our family and friends who have supported us through the last year. They prayed for us and prayed for you, and have just been real examples of what the Church should be.
But do you know what I’m most thankful for?
I’m thankful that before this world ever existed, God saw my life and saw all the messes I would make. He saw all the bad things I would do, and all the times I would fail Him. And because He loved me, and because He knew how imperfect I would be, He decided that He would sacrifice His only son for me.
I’m thankful that God endured the loss of His only child so that I could become His.
I’m thankful that in Jesus’s suffering on the cross He thought of me.
I’m thankful that the cross means that not only can I be sure that I’ll have an eternity to be with you, Sophia, but that I’ll have an eternity to be with Him.
I’m thankful that even though I daily lose my faith and trust, He is always there gently pushing me on and reminding me of His goodness. Sophia, He is so, so good to us all.
I am His, forever His. You are His, forever His.
And when I remind myself of that amazing love that I don’t deserve…well, it just makes me a lot more thankful.
I’m so glad you are with Him now, experiencing Him better and closer than I ever have.
Can’t wait to see you, baby girl!