Thankful (19 weeks)

 

My dearest Sophia,

A few days ago was Thanksgiving—our first Thanksgiving here in Taiwan.  Unfortunately we weren’t able to have a big traditional dinner, but that wasn’t what bothered me the most.  The hardest part was, of course, the fact that you weren’t here with us. 

Each day I think about what things would have been like if you were still alive, but on holidays the pain seems to cut a little deeper.

It would have been so easy to sink back into the black hole of grief and just stay there for awhile.  It would have been so natural to start feeling sorry for myself again and it would have been nothing to just turn my anger towards God.

But instead I tried to think of all the things I had to be thankful for.

I chose to dwell on my blessings instead of my losses. 

I’m thankful for you, my little dumpling.  I’m thankful that God let me be your mommy for 47 days, and that for each of those 47 days I got to see you and pour out my love for you.

I’m thankful for your daddy.  Sophia, he is such a wonderful, strong man.  It breaks my heart that you weren’t able to really get to know him.  He loved you so much, and he has been so good to mommy.

I’m thankful for all of our family and friends who have supported us through the last year.  They prayed for us and prayed for you, and have just been real examples of what the Church should be.

But do you know what I’m most thankful for? 

Jesus.

I’m thankful that before this world ever existed, God saw my life and saw all the messes I would make.  He saw all the bad things I would do, and all the times I would fail Him.  And because He loved me, and because He knew how imperfect I would be, He decided that He would sacrifice His only son for me.

I’m thankful that God endured the loss of His only child so that I could become His.

I’m thankful that in Jesus’s suffering on the cross He thought of me.

I’m thankful that the cross means that not only can I be sure that I’ll have an eternity to be with you, Sophia, but that I’ll have an eternity to be with Him. 

I’m thankful that even though I daily lose my faith and trust, He is always there gently pushing me on and reminding me of His goodness.  Sophia, He is so, so good to us all.

I am His, forever His.  You are His, forever His.

And when I remind myself of that amazing love that I don’t deserve…well, it just makes me a lot more thankful.

 

I’m so glad you are with Him now, experiencing Him better and closer than I ever have.

Can’t wait to see you, baby girl!

 

Love you,

Mommy

Comments

  1. Ellen Ladden Ranaudo says:

    Dear Mrs. Ly,

    I would go back one page to find you and your husband’s name, but I don’t want to risk losing this comment.

    You are a very special family. God must have looked down to find parents who would love Sophia and take care of her, even though her time on earth would be very brief. He found the perfect couple, you and your husband.

    However brief Sophia’s time with the both of you, God sent her for a reason – the same as he sent His only Son. You fully understand the reason – His love for us. You bet Sophia will be with the three of you in heaven – you and your husband and God.

    I just recently lost my best friend of 32 years – (my boss, who was a Catholic bishop). I understand your grief – and you have helped me in my grief with your words of hope. My boss always said to folks who lost a loved one – if we could reach out and take away your pain, we would. But, we shouldn’t … because the pain you feel is symptomatic of the love you have for your loved one. And – the only thing you take to heaven is your love – so, Mr. & Mrs. Ly – you will have plenty of love to take to heaven for Sophia.

    Have a Blessed Christmas. I promise to remember your family in my prayers, please say a prayer for me.

    Ellen

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